Dreaming Novel Things is a feature in which I discuss book related subjects, but in a creative way. I’ll use interviews, narratives and lists to talk about book trends, book opinion and bookish matters. If you have any book related subjects you’d like to see me discuss just leave me a comment below!
Let me tell you about a dream of mine. In this dream it’s a nice sunny day with a cool breeze. In my front yard there’s a huge oak tree that provides an ample amount of shade and the sound of birds chirping leaves you with the impression that Snow White might be near by. In this dream I decide I simply must take my new book outside to read and take advantage of the nice day. It was splendid.
Imagine my surprise when I woke up to a beautiful day exactly like the one in my dream. I hurriedly put on some decent clothes (yoga pants) and grabbed my ginormous copy of The Stand by Steven King and soon found myself sitting in the shade of my oak tree with the sounds of bird chirping near by.
Can you guess what I found out?
My dream was a load of hogwash.
Let me explain why reading outside is a better fantasy than reality.
*Nice sunny day with a cool breeze
Fantasy: Ideal weather conditions, warm and cool enough to be comfortable in the fresh air.
Reality: Too hot in the sun and too cold in the shade. And that “cool breeze” loves to flip your pages for you in a very crazy-like way.
*Pleasant oak tree
Fantasy: Great for leaning on and provides a pretty background.
Reality: Not great for leaning on because it’s crawling with insects and covered in sap forcing you to sit hunched over your book causing your back to ache in ten minutes. And now you keep slapping your leg due to your new paranoia of ants.
*The pretty sound of birds chirping near by
Fantasy: Provides quality background noise and gives a new appreciation of nature.
Reality: After a close call you remember that birds don’t leave nice gifts and you now are half reading and half dodging bird droppings. This is about the time when you start to remember that you hate nature.
Fantasy: Except for the sound of birds chirping and the rustling of the breeze all else is quiet, leaving you to enjoy your book distraction free.
Reality: With the 15 cars that drove by, the two planes the flew over and the construction work going on down the road it’s no wonder you read the same paragraph five times.
*The comfort of the soft grass
Fantasy: The grass is soft enough that you can fall asleep and wake up completely refreshed.
Reality: The grass is itchy, crawling with insects and slightly wet due to the morning dew so that when you get up you have a wet mark that looks suspicious.
Now you know that we have been lied to all these years. Reading outside is a terrible experience and can lead to only discomfort, bug bites and unwanted surprises from the birds above. Stay inside to read, your book will thank you.
What are your thoughts? Do you have horror stories about reading places gone wrong? Share them below and happy reading!